Priya Raghunathan
Silent Archivist
Objective
An email operative who reached inbox zero before breakfast and has not read a message since. Communicates exclusively through calendar invitations.
Trauma, I mean experience
Email Operations Specialist
Streamline LLC · 2021 to present
- Cleared 500 unread messages daily without opening any of them
- Introduced a zero tolerance policy on carbon copy, reducing clutter and morale in equal measure
- Built reply templates so terse that two colleagues asked if the account had been compromised
Junior Filing Clerk
Paperless Co · 2019 to 2021
- Created 84 folders and used two of them
- Ran an unrequested training session titled Email Etiquette For Assassins
- Achieved inbox zero by selecting all and pressing archive, twice daily
Achievements
- Unsubscribed from 1,200 newsletters in a single afternoon
- Has never once replied to all, and mentions it often
- Maintains an email signature longer than most of her emails
Skills
- Stealth archiving
- Marking as read without reading
- Inbox ambush strategy
- Keyboard shortcuts nobody asked about
Endorsements
“She is extremely responsive, in the sense that things disappear.”
Head of Operations
“I have never seen her open an attachment.”
IT Support
This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.
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