The only CV that guarantees you won’t get hired.

Tell it a few lines about yourself. You get back a complete, properly formatted, career-ending résumé in about a minute.

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DO NOTHIRE

Taha Gulbadan

Chief Punchline Officer

Objective

Seeking a role where strategy is defined as sending a Figma link at 4.58pm on a Friday, and where the coffee budget is classified as critical infrastructure.

Trauma, I mean experience

Founder and Chief Joker

Gulbadan Synergy Solutions · 2020 to present

  • Rebranded the agency four times because the logo no longer matched his mood.
  • Trained the in-house AI on his own jokes until it refused to attend meetings.
  • Lost a client after rating their office coffee as a hostile work environment.

Senior Opinion Executive

The Flat White Consultancy · 2017 to 2020

  • Chaired weekly meetings containing one agenda item and eleven punchlines.
  • Rejected a rebrand because the client's espresso was served in a glass cup.
  • Replaced the design brief with a tasting menu and billed it as research.

Achievements

  • Won a pitch by laughing at the client's own tagline first.
  • Automated the office coffee rota using a reluctant algorithm.
  • Set an agency record of nine jokes per single status update.

Skills

  • Espresso-based design sprints
  • Aggressive pun deployment
  • AI-powered meeting derailment
  • Last-minute perfectionism

Endorsements

“He once tried to expense a single, very rare coffee bean.”

Senior Financial Controller

“His urgent emails are just links to coffee brewing videos.”

Project Manager

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

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One that somebody actually made

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Other people’s worst work

Every one of these was generated by somebody who is now slightly less employable. Yours will look just as official.

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Priya Raghunathan

Silent Archivist

Objective

An email operative who reached inbox zero before breakfast and has not read a message since. Communicates exclusively through calendar invitations.

Trauma, I mean experience

Email Operations Specialist

Streamline LLC · 2021 to present

  • Cleared 500 unread messages daily without opening any of them
  • Introduced a zero tolerance policy on carbon copy, reducing clutter and morale in equal measure
  • Built reply templates so terse that two colleagues asked if the account had been compromised

Junior Filing Clerk

Paperless Co · 2019 to 2021

  • Created 84 folders and used two of them
  • Ran an unrequested training session titled Email Etiquette For Assassins
  • Achieved inbox zero by selecting all and pressing archive, twice daily

Achievements

  • Unsubscribed from 1,200 newsletters in a single afternoon
  • Has never once replied to all, and mentions it often
  • Maintains an email signature longer than most of her emails

Skills

  • Stealth archiving
  • Marking as read without reading
  • Inbox ambush strategy
  • Keyboard shortcuts nobody asked about

Endorsements

“She is extremely responsive, in the sense that things disappear.”

Head of Operations

“I have never seen her open an attachment.”

IT Support

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

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Open file · Carbon Copy

NO FURTHERACTION
Applicant #001

Daniel Okonjo

Convener

Objective

A programme manager who believes no decision is final until it has been discussed four times. Owns eleven recurring invitations, none of which have an agenda.

Trauma... I mean experience

Head of Alignment · Consensus Partners

2023 to present

  • Converted a two line email into a ninety minute workshop with a pre-read and a retrospective
  • Established a weekly meeting to review the outcomes of the weekly meeting
  • Grew average attendance by inviting people who had no involvement

Senior Coordinator · Northgate Group

2020 to 2023

  • Booked the largest room available regardless of headcount
  • Introduced the phrase let us take that offline, then never took it offline
  • Scheduled a retrospective on a project that had not yet started

Achievements

  • Holds the record for most consecutive calendar hours without a decision
  • Created a recurring invite that has outlived two of its attendees' employment
  • Once ran a meeting about reducing meetings, which ran over

Skills

  • Agenda writing, purely decorative
  • Circling back
  • Room booking under pressure
  • Speaking for nine minutes without a verb

Endorsements

“This could have been an email. It was, originally.”

Finance Director

“Daniel makes sure everybody is heard, repeatedly.”

Team Lead

Disclaimer

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

Generated at hireme-not.comPowered by Geniora Solutions

Open file · Comic Relief

CANDIDATEWITHDRAWN

Mira Halvorsen

Serial Almost-Founder

A four time founder with a strong record of shutting things down quickly. Fluent in the vocabulary of growth, applied exclusively to contraction.

Founder and Chief Executive

Nimbo · 2024 to 2024

  • Raised a pre-seed round and returned most of it, which was described internally as capital discipline
  • Pivoted three times in seven months, finishing roughly where the company started
  • Held an all hands for a staff of two

Founder

Klyp · 2022 to 2023

  • Achieved product market fit in a market that turned out to be one enthusiastic user
  • Announced a Series A on social media eleven days before winding the company up
  • Rebranded twice in one quarter, both times to a word with no vowels

Achievements

  • Four exits, average duration fourteen months
  • Owns branded merchandise from companies that no longer legally exist
  • Has said we are building in public while building nothing

Skills

  • Deck design
  • Runway arithmetic, optimistic
  • Pivoting
  • Naming companies by removing a vowel

“Mira moves fast. That is the whole review.” Former Investor

“I learned a great deal, mostly about redundancy processes.” Employee Number Two

Yes, this one is real

Hire me

or don’t

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

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Open file · Loud Marker

Tom Brennan.exe

SEEME

Tom Brennan

Location Independent

Objective

A distributed work evangelist who has not worn full length trousers to a meeting since 2020. Treats owning a ring light as infrastructure experience.

Head of Remote Culture · Anywhere Digital

2021 to present

  • > Ran 400 video calls from the waist up
  • > Introduced a virtual watercooler that nobody attended twice
  • > Answered every question about productivity with a photograph of a beach

Independent Consultant · Self

2020 to 2021

  • > Advised four companies on asynchronous working, synchronously, at 9am
  • > Maintained a bookshelf arranged entirely for camera framing
  • > Answered a question about deadlines with a photograph of a hammock

Achievements

  • > Has said you are on mute in nine countries
  • > Once presented for six minutes to a frozen screen
  • > Owns three desks and works from none of them

Skills

  • [x] Background blur
  • [x] Timezone arithmetic, incorrect
  • [x] Strategic camera off
  • [x] Typing loudly to indicate presence

Endorsements

“Tom is always available, in principle.” · Client

“I have only ever seen his top half.” · Colleague of four years

display_properties.exe

> Wallpaper: bliss.bmp. Applied 2003. Never changed.

> I still use this because I do not know how to change it.

readme.txt

> This file was last modified in 1997.

> No further updates are planned.

disclaimer.txt

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

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Open file · Terminal 95

NO FURTHERACTION

Ana Lucia Ferraz

Restart Specialist

career_notes.exe

Objective

An IT professional whose entire methodology is switching the device off, waiting, and switching it on again while maintaining unbroken eye contact.

Head of Have You Tried

Ctrl Alt Delete Ltd · 2019 to present

  • Resolved 2,400 tickets by asking whether the cable was plugged in.
  • Closed a critical incident by walking away and hoping, which worked.
  • Wrote documentation nobody read, then cited it in every reply.

Junior Systems Whisperer

Blue Screen Partners · 2016 to 2019

  • Fixed the office printer by kicking it, then logged the method formally.
  • Renamed the shared drive and told nobody for eight months.
  • Advised the finance team to simply use a different computer.
testimonials.msg

Endorsements

“She fixed it. She will not explain how, ever.”
Operations Manager
“My laptop works. I am afraid to ask why.”
Head of Finance
wins_folder

Achievements

  • Has never once escalated a ticket to anybody else.
  • Restored a server by unplugging the one next to it.
  • Keeps a password on a sticky note about passwords.
skill_meter.app

Skills & expertise

Turning it off and on

Cable inspection

Sighing audibly

Blaming the network

legal_warning.txt

Disclaimer:

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

Generated at hireme-not.comPowered by Geniora Solutions

Open file · Pixel Panic

How it works

  1. 01

    Tell it about yourself

    Your job, what you are like at work, the thing your colleagues take the mickey out of. A few lines is plenty.

  2. 02

    Pick a look

    Or let it choose. You can change the look afterwards without spending anything.

  3. 03

    Get stamped

    Your CV comes back fully formatted, rejection stamp already applied, with a link you can send to people who did not ask for it.

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What it costs

Signing up gives you thirty credits, which is about three CVs. Sharing the link is free and always will be, and every friend who makes their own from your link puts ten back.

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About that line at the bottom

Every CV carries one small line saying where it came from. On a shared link it stays there, permanently, on every account. It is the only thing we ask in return for the rest of this being free.

On a file you download, you can pay to take it off. We would rather you did not.

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Who made this

We build serious things too

Geniora Solutions builds AI tools, web apps and MVPs for people with real budgets. This one was a Friday that got out of hand.

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