Whatever comes to mind. Your job, what you are actually like at work, the thing your colleagues take the mickey out of. The more you give it, the better this gets.

On LinkedIn, open your profile, hit More, then Save to PDF. Drop that file here. It costs 5 extra credits and makes the result far sharper, because your profile is already written in the voice we are making fun of.

Redrawn by an image model to match the look you pick, which takes a couple of minutes and costs 30 credits on a paid account. Leave it out and the design still works.

You can change this afterwards without spending anything.

?

Surprise me

We pick one

Sam Whitfield

Chief Vibes Officer

Objective

A dependable presence in every meeting that did not require one, and an early adopter of the four hour lunch.

Trauma, I mean experience

Head of Looking Busy

Meridian Group · 2021 to present

• Carried the same notebook into 400 meetings without opening it once
• Answered every question with a promise to circle back later
• Kept nine browser tabs open to suggest ongoing research

Junior Vibes Analyst

Northgate Ltd · 2018 to 2021

• Rebranded the tea round as a stakeholder engagement ritual
• Introduced a kanban board and never moved a single card
• Won an award for a project that was quietly cancelled

Achievements

• Named Employee of the Month in a company of four
• Attended 61 workshops without retaining a single method
• Once fixed the printer by unplugging it and walking away

Skills

• Nodding thoughtfully
• Calendar defence
• Confident guessing
• Circling back

Endorsements

“Sam is always around. That is the review.”

Line Manager

“I have never seen him finish anything.”

Operations Lead

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

Generated at hireme-not.comPowered by Geniora Solutions

Carbon Copy

Manila and toner. The one that looks most like a real document.

Sam Whitfield

Chief Vibes Officer

A dependable presence in every meeting that did not require one, and an early adopter of the four hour lunch.

Head of Looking Busy

Meridian Group · 2021 to present

• Carried the same notebook into 400 meetings without opening it once
• Answered every question with a promise to circle back later
• Kept nine browser tabs open to suggest ongoing research

Junior Vibes Analyst

Northgate Ltd · 2018 to 2021

• Rebranded the tea round as a stakeholder engagement ritual
• Introduced a kanban board and never moved a single card
• Won an award for a project that was quietly cancelled

Achievements

• Named Employee of the Month in a company of four
• Attended 61 workshops without retaining a single method
• Once fixed the printer by unplugging it and walking away

Skills

• Nodding thoughtfully
• Calendar defence
• Confident guessing
• Circling back

“Sam is always around. That is the review.” Line Manager

“I have never seen him finish anything.” Operations Lead

Yes, this one is real

Hire me

or don’t

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

Generated at hireme-not.comPowered by Geniora Solutions

Loud Marker

Yellow, black, and covered in stickers nobody asked for.

Sam Whitfield.exe

_□×

Sam Whitfield

Chief Vibes Officer

Objective

A dependable presence in every meeting that did not require one, and an early adopter of the four hour lunch.

Head of Looking Busy · Meridian Group

2021 to present

• > Carried the same notebook into 400 meetings without opening it once
• > Answered every question with a promise to circle back later
• > Kept nine browser tabs open to suggest ongoing research

Junior Vibes Analyst · Northgate Ltd

2018 to 2021

• > Rebranded the tea round as a stakeholder engagement ritual
• > Introduced a kanban board and never moved a single card
• > Won an award for a project that was quietly cancelled

Achievements

• > Named Employee of the Month in a company of four
• > Attended 61 workshops without retaining a single method
• > Once fixed the printer by unplugging it and walking away

Skills

• [x] Nodding thoughtfully
• [x] Calendar defence
• [x] Confident guessing
• [x] Circling back

Endorsements

“Sam is always around. That is the review.” · Line Manager

“I have never seen him finish anything.” · Operations Lead

display_properties.exe

> Wallpaper: bliss.bmp. Applied 2003. Never changed.

> I still use this because I do not know how to change it.

readme.txt

> This file was last modified in 1997.

> No further updates are planned.

disclaimer.txt

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

Generated at hireme-not.comPowered by Geniora Solutions

Terminal 95

Beige window chrome and pixel type. Filed in 1997, never retrieved.

Applicant #001

Sam Whitfield

Chief Vibes Officer

Objective

A dependable presence in every meeting that did not require one, and an early adopter of the four hour lunch.

Trauma... I mean experience

Head of Looking Busy · Meridian Group

2021 to present

• Carried the same notebook into 400 meetings without opening it once
• Answered every question with a promise to circle back later
• Kept nine browser tabs open to suggest ongoing research

Junior Vibes Analyst · Northgate Ltd

2018 to 2021

• Rebranded the tea round as a stakeholder engagement ritual
• Introduced a kanban board and never moved a single card
• Won an award for a project that was quietly cancelled

Achievements

• Named Employee of the Month in a company of four
• Attended 61 workshops without retaining a single method
• Once fixed the printer by unplugging it and walking away

Skills

• Nodding thoughtfully
• Calendar defence
• Confident guessing
• Circling back

Endorsements

“Sam is always around. That is the review.”

Line Manager

“I have never seen him finish anything.”

Operations Lead

Disclaimer

This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.

Generated at hireme-not.comPowered by Geniora Solutions

Comic Relief

A midnight comic cover for careers that deserve their own plot twist.

×

Sam Whitfield

Chief Vibes Officer

↗

career_notes.exe×

Objective

A dependable presence in every meeting that did not require one, and an early adopter of the four hour lunch.

Head of Looking Busy

Meridian Group · 2021 to present

• Carried the same notebook into 400 meetings without opening it once
• Answered every question with a promise to circle back later
• Kept nine browser tabs open to suggest ongoing research

Junior Vibes Analyst

Northgate Ltd · 2018 to 2021

• Rebranded the tea round as a stakeholder engagement ritual
• Introduced a kanban board and never moved a single card
• Won an award for a project that was quietly cancelled

testimonials.msg×

Endorsements

“Sam is always around. That is the review.”

“I have never seen him finish anything.”

wins_folder×

Achievements

• Named Employee of the Month in a company of four
• Attended 61 workshops without retaining a single method
• Once fixed the printer by unplugging it and walking away

skill_meter.app×

Skills & expertise

Nodding thoughtfully

Calendar defence

Confident guessing

Circling back

Generated at hireme-not.comPowered by Geniora Solutions

Pixel Panic

A desktop full of windows and absolutely no useful applications.