Trauma... I mean experience
Director of Almost · Handshake Holdings
2021 to present
- Reported a deal as closed for six consecutive quarters without it closing.
- Refused to use the CRM on the grounds that he remembers everything.
- Took a client to lunch four times before establishing what they sell.
Account Executive · Pipeline Theatre Ltd
2018 to 2021
- Forecast 400 percent growth using a number he described as a feeling.
- Called every lead warm, including one who had formally asked him to stop.
- Held a celebration for a contract that was never signed by anyone.
Achievements
- Holds the record for longest unlogged sales call, four hours.
- Once sold a service the company had discontinued in 2019.
- Has never once opened the quarterly forecast spreadsheet.
Skills
- Verbal contracts
- Optimistic forecasting
- Lunch
- Losing business cards
Endorsements
“Yusuf closed it. He cannot say when, or to whom.”
Regional Director
“I have never received anything from him in writing.”
Head of Legal
Disclaimer
This CV will not get you hired. It might make someone snort-laugh.
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